Love Life is a NGGOSSIPS weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Childhood friends Korede* (41) and Derin* (37) grew up on the same street in Lagos. On this week’s Love Life, they talk about losing touch for years, finding each other again at the wrong time, and the long, complicated road it took to finally be together.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Korede: That’s a hard one because we go so far back. We grew up on the same street in Surulere and attended the same primary and secondary school. So there isn’t one particular memory; she was always in the picture. What I can say is that when her family eventually moved away in 2003, I really felt her absence. I didn’t realise how much I loved having her around until she left.
Derin: I feel the same way. I don’t think there’s any single first memory I can recall. We were childhood friends who grew up together and did everything together. We were present in each other’s lives; we had the same friends, and our families knew each other. But yeah, we had to move at some point, and that was really painful. I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends, my childhood home, and everything I’d grown up with.
Left to me, I’d have stayed back and lived with any kind neighbour who would have taken me in. But I also knew it was impossible.
What happened after her family moved, Korede? Did you keep in touch?
Korede: We lost contact for a really long time. Both of us were too young to own phones. However, when Facebook came out, I tried to find her online, but her name was so common that I kept connecting with the wrong person. It was frustrating. I would think I’d found her, only to realise it was someone else entirely. I eventually gave up.
Derin: I actually never forgot Korede. He was that one childhood friend I always wanted to see again. But I didn’t really search the way he did. Life moved very fast for me after we relocated. There was school, there was adjusting to a new place, and then I lost my dad. I barely had time to waste at the cybercafé. My friends at school talked about Facebook, MySpace, and the rest, but I was too busy to spare the time. Plus, my mum got extra strict after we lost my dad.
Right. So at what point did you guys reconnect?
Korede: 2010. Funny enough, it happened on Facebook. I was scrolling one evening when her name came up as a friend suggestion. I almost kept scrolling, but something made me stop and click on the profile picture. She had changed a lot, but the face was unmistakable. I sent a message, and she responded, and that was it. We finally heard from each other again after seven long years of silence.
Derin: I was genuinely happy when he reached out. We spent the next few weeks talking almost every day, catching up on everything we had missed. It felt like no real time had passed.
So was it purely catching up, or was there something more there?
Korede: For me, there was always something more. But I guess I never brought it up earlier because I felt we were still too young. I just always assumed she’d always be there. But then they moved, and that was when I really started to realise that I liked her more than normal.
After we reconnected, I hoped she would be single. But I found out she was married, had one child and was expecting another. I was really disappointed. I wanted to ask so many questions because she was just 21, and I couldn’t understand why she was already married. But I controlled myself. At the time, it wasn’t uncommon for women to marry early. Still, I couldn’t hide how I felt.
Derin: I sensed his disappointment even though he acknowledged it directly. And I understood why. But that was my reality at the time, and I couldn’t do much to change it.
I didn’t want the marriage itself, especially not so early. But my dad’s demise really disrupted our family. And as the first child, there was a lot of pressure from my mum. She really wanted me to get settled quickly. When someone came along, it didn’t take long to get things in motion. I barely had much to say on the matter. I also didn’t really even know much about Korede’s feelings at the time. Even if I did, there wasn’t much we could do.
I see. So I’m guessing you guys just maintained a friendship?
Derin: That was mostly it. We saw each other occasionally. If one of us had a party or a gathering, we would invite the other. But it stayed like that for a while. Then, around the third time we met in person, I confided in him about my marriage — how I didn’t really feel genuine love from my husband. He wasn’t cruel or anything like that, but there was no warmth between us. We were ages apart, so our views were completely different. I told him how I’d once considered just running away and starting life somewhere else. I also complained about how my mum had gone from loving and caring to someone who just wanted to use me as a means to an end.
I think I opened up to Korede that day because I felt safe confiding in him. He knew me from my childhood, before I became anyone’s wife or mum.
Korede: It broke my heart to hear it. Derin had always been one of the most alive people I knew growing up; bright, sharp, full of energy. The experience she was having was so far from what I would have imagined for her. But there was nothing I could do except be a friend. So that’s what I focused on.
What was your love life like around this period, Korede?
Korede: It was barely existent. I had female friends from university, but nothing solid. And the fault is mostly mine. In a way, I always felt I had to reach a certain financial point before I could approach a girl. And since I was still hustling my way, I didn’t want to be spending the little I had on romantic ventures that wouldn’t lead anywhere.
Still, I had people I had casual sex with, and we kept it moving. But there wasn’t anything serious.
Fair enough. And how did your relationship with Derin progress over time?
Korede: We just continued as friends. Although I won’t lie, it felt weird knowing she was married. But I didn’t let that get to me because she didn’t make it her personality. I could still crack jokes with her like the old times. I remember another friend who got married and said I couldn’t call her by name again because it was disrespectful. Derin was nothing like that. She even stopped me from calling her by her firstborn’s name.
Then, in 2012, she told me she was trying to go back to school and asked for my help. I was more than happy to give it. She wanted to go to UNILAG, and I pulled some strings with some of my old lecturers. But that’s when her husband got involved.
Derin: I didn’t really mention Korede the whole time because I felt it wasn’t necessary. But when the school thing happened, it became necessary. So I invited Korede to our house and told my husband he was the one helping me with the admission process. He seemed genuinely thankful, and I thought that was all there was to it.
But after a while, he became convinced something was going on between us. He showed up at my school unannounced one day, and because Korede was there, he flared up. The whole thing got blown out of proportion. He involved both our families, and I felt really stupid defending my friendship.
Korede: At first, I was even trying to act all defensive. But the moment the family was involved, I could tell it was no longer a trivial matter. So I stepped back completely. I was also preparing to relocate to Abuja, which made the decision easier. We didn’t keep in contact for a few years after I moved. Then I heard the worst news in 2014.
What happened?
Korede: A family friend who was visiting in Abuja told me that her husband passed. I immediately felt bad for her. Someone so young with two kids losing her husband that early? I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy. That same week, I reached out to Derin to offer my condolences.
Derin: To be honest, he had crossed my mind a few times, and I wanted to reach out. But I didn’t want to cause any problems. I also wanted to tell him when my husband died, but I guess I never got around to it. So when he called, I was really glad. We spent more time catching up on the last few years again, and then I invited him to the funeral.
Oh. Was that a good call, considering the history?
Derin: I wasn’t even thinking about that when I extended the invitation. I just needed to see another face other than my in-laws and my own family. They were extremely annoying during that period. I also knew that despite the accusations, there was nothing between us.
Korede: I attended the funeral just to show up for a friend, and it was definitely the wrong call. Her mother, who used to be fond of me when we lived in the same area, barely acknowledged my presence or greetings. The atmosphere was cold, and I could feel people pointing fingers at me. Immediately, I sensed what was happening, and I knew it was best to keep my distance from Derin. I only came to show up for her as a friend. But the optics were really bad.
Derin: I can still remember the looks. It was as if everyone decided I was already moving on because I brought a man to my husband’s funeral.
Like he said, we didn’t really talk that day. Even though it had been almost three years since we last saw each other in person. After he left, I remember sending a thank-you note and not really keeping in touch afterwards.
Curious, what was that period like for you, Derin?
Derin: Very difficult, I can’t even lie. My husband and I weren’t exactly the best lovers, but having him around gave me a sense of security. I didn’t have to think too much about finances or anything like that. But suddenly, it was just the kids and me.
Everyone around me also had a clear idea of what my life should look like from that point forward. My mother was extremely unbearable. She would tell me regularly to face my children, that they were my husband now. What did that even mean?
But even though I hated hearing it from people, my kids were really my priority at the time. I didn’t have time for much else.
And did you still keep your distance during this period, Korede?
Korede: We never fully stopped communicating. There were stretches where we spoke often and stretches where everyone just went about their own business. But she was always somewhere in my mind.
I’d also been engaged to someone else, but things didn’t work out. I didn’t tell Derin about the engagement, but we got closer again after the lady and I went our separate ways. Of course, it was mostly on the phone. I was in Abuja, and she was still in Lagos. Over time, I started to admit to myself that my feelings for her were still very much alive. But considering her situation, I didn’t know how to bring it up. So I just kept on being in touch and didn’t say much.
Derin: I noticed. He became more consistent and intentional about reaching out. We would talk about life, the things we’d both been through and how we were still in each other’s lives. Over time, we got comfortable enough to start actually being truthful about how we felt with each other. He would say things like, “He should have been the father of my two kids,” and so on. After a while, we started a long-distance courtship.
How long after your husband’s demise was this, and were your family aware?
Derin: I think this was around 2016. My mother was firmly against it. She said it was too early. My late husband’s family was also still deeply involved; they came around regularly for the kids, and always wanted to be in my business. The idea of me seeing another man felt like a betrayal to them.
Korede: My family also had their own concerns once I told them. They knew and liked Derin as a person. But they worried about what starting a life with someone who already had two children, with a late husband’s family still actively in the picture, would mean for me.
Right. How did you manage all of that?
Korede: We tried to lay low for a while and just keep doing our thing. I came to Lagos a few times, and we met up, but those few times, Derin didn’t really feel comfortable. She was constantly worried, as if she didn’t want us seen publicly.
It was annoying but also understandable. The pressure from every side also made it very difficult to hold on. My parents didn’t even always want me to mention her; she was also on and off. She could go weeks not picking up my calls, and when she finally does, it’s to complain about something her in-laws did. Eventually, I got tired of the whole thing and we agreed to step back and give each other space.
Derin: Honestly, it was the right call even though it hurt. No matter how we tried, the relationship couldn’t grow under the conditions we were dealt with. The beautiful thing about all this is that, even when we agreed to step back, it was from the relationship and not the friendship. We still called each other once in a while, but it wasn’t like it used to be.
Korede: During that period, I also reunited with my ex-fiancée, who had broken off our engagement. We tried again, and things went better this time, and we even had a child together. But the relationship didn’t survive. It ended after three years, and I was left as a single father raising a child on my own. That period really made me think about Derin. Because I kept imagining how she was able to raise two kids on her own and pursue a university degree while doing so. It was no small feat.
Was this when he reached out again, Derin?
Derin: Yes, he told me his relationship had ended and that she had left their child alone.
Then, in that same year, my mother-in-law passed. Then my own mother, not long after. I know it sounds strange to say, but something changed when they died. Those had been the two loudest voices opposing our relationship. With them gone, things changed rapidly.
Korede: We started talking again, and by 2023, we had found our rhythm again. My parents didn’t have much choice but to support me this time around, seeing as my last relationship went.
We’ve spent the last couple of years just building our lives and our relationship.
Derin: I moved to Abuja in early 2024. We are not living together yet. But being in the same city makes it feel like we’re actually in each other’s lives for real. Unlike when it was mostly phone calls and rushed weekend trips. Abuja also gives us privacy to just be ourselves and figure out our lives without people judging us or dictating what we can or cannot do.
Considering everything you’ve both been through, what’s the best thing about what you have with each other?
Korede: Derin knows me. We started so long ago that the foundation is already there. You can’t manufacture the kind of bond we share. There’s genuine friendship that spans decades, and then there’s the love we share for each other. I truly think she’s my soul mate.
Derin: He sees me as someone with a future, not just a past. After years of feeling defined by my losses — my father, my marriage, my husband — Korede looks at me and sees someone who still has somewhere to go. He doesn’t look at my children like they are burdens or treat me like someone who should be loved out of pity. I’m truly blessed to have him in my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Korede: 8. We’re still building our relationship, and I believe we’re still writing our stories.
Derin: I’d give it a 9. I’m saving the 10 for when we become husband and wife in the real sense of it.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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