Sunken Ships is a NGGOSSIPS weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
When Ada* (22) came out to Susan* (22) in University, she became the first person to make her feel safe. But as Ada grew more comfortable with her sexuality and found community among other queer women, she noticed Susan pulling away.
For Sunken Ships, Ada shares how she lost a precious friendship because the person who once accepted her unconditionally became uncomfortable with being associated with her.
What made you realise your friendship with Susan was going downhill?
I noticed that when we went out, she never posted pictures of us or our outing, but she did that for all her other friends.
Let’s head back to the beginning. How did you meet?
I met Susan in 2021 at a canteen at our university. A mutual friend introduced us, and we clicked almost immediately. We swapped contacts and started texting on WhatsApp. Within months, we were inseparable and remained so for the next three years.
What were the early years of your friendship with her like?
It was amazing. Our friendship quickly became a sisterhood. She was the first person I called when anything happened, good or bad. We spoke or texted each other every day. She was also the first person I trusted enough to see the parts of myself I was hiding from the world.
What parts of yourself were you hiding?
I’m a lesbian. I’m comfortable with my identity now, but back then I wasn’t. Not even to myself at first. I grew up in a conservative Christian home, so even entertaining the possibility felt terrifying. Susan is straight, but she was the only person I felt safe enough to talk to about the complex feelings my sexuality gave rise to.
How did she react when you told her about your queerness?
She didn’t even flinch or do anything dramatic. She treated my coming out like it was just another regular day. It lifted a huge weight from my heart that I didn’t even know was there. For years, she was my safe space.
At what point did you start accepting your sexuality?
After university. We both moved to Lagos for our service year in 2025. There, I started meeting other queer women for the first time. It felt like somebody had finally switched on a light. I made new friends, started going to events, and I even experienced my first relationship with a woman. In all this, Susan was by my side, and I told her everything.
How did Susan fit into this new phase of your life?
At first, I thought she was happy for me. Whenever I told her about a date or a new friend, she’d smile and listen. But after a while, I noticed she never asked follow-up questions, she’d just change the topic. Then I started noticing other things.
Like what?
Whenever she went out with her friends, she always posted photos of their outing and them together, but she never posted us, even though we saw each other multiple times a week. It became obvious to me that something had changed.
Did you ever ask her about it?
Yes, many times. Every single time, she’d tell me I was imagining things. She’d say she didn’t post photos of me because she forgot or was busy. I accepted her explanations because ultimately, she was my closest friend.
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Was there a particular moment that made you realise the friendship was in trouble?
Yes. I invited Susan and a bunch of my other friends to my birthday dinner in 2025. Most of the guests were queer because those were the people I spent the most time with. Then, halfway through dinner, before we even cut the cake, Susan begged to leave, saying she had an emergency. It was very odd.
What happened next?
I called her the next day to ask if she was okay, since her behaviour the previous night had been unusual. What she said shocked me.
Tell me what she said.
She said she’d spent the entire evening feeling like an outsider. I apologised immediately because I thought I’d somehow excluded her. Then she said something that completely threw me off. She said I was getting wrapped up in “that lifestyle”.
What did she mean by that?
According to her, hanging out with queer people all the time was giving me a bad reputation in our old school groups. More and more people were clocking my queerness, and it was making her uncomfortable. She confessed that was why she hadn’t been posting photos of me. To avoid rumours that something was going on between us.
How did that make you feel?
It hurt. Especially because she was the first person I was ever comfortable being myself with. I didn’t know how to explain that becoming my true self wasn’t something I could undo to make her feel more comfortable.
What happened after that conversation?
That conversation revealed a gap in our closeness. We tried to continue our friendship, but the distance between us kept growing. First, we stopped hanging out as much and started talking less and less. Then, over a few months, we just stopped talking altogether.
Did either of you officially end the friendship?
No. That’s the saddest part for me. I miss our friendship terribly, but we’re on different paths now.
Have you spoken to her since the end of the friendship?
Yes, but only once in a while. It’s cordial. We check in on birthdays and holidays, but the intimacy is gone. We don’t know each other’s daily lives anymore, and every conversation reminds me of what we used to share.
How do you feel about her now?
I still love her, and I miss our friendship. She was my best friend during some of the hardest and most confusing years of my life. But I think she loves a version of me that no longer exists, and I had to choose between keeping that version alive for her or becoming myself. I chose myself.
Would you be open to reconciliation if she said she was interested?
No. I don’t know if she has let go of her fear of what others think of our friendship. Losing her hurt, and I don’t want to go through that again.
Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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