Growing up, Teniola*(35) watched the men in her mother’s life come and go, and those experiences made marriage feel more frightening than desirable.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about navigating intimacy that feels like routine, learning patience with a slow-to-react husband and why she sometimes misses the carefree version of herself that existed before motherhood.
This is a look into her Marriage Diary.
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I grew up watching men come and go from my mother’s life
I didn’t have many positive thoughts about marriage until I was in my early twenties. My parents separated when I was still very young, so for most of my childhood, it was just my mum raising us.
At some point, she started dating again. I knew at least two of the men she was involved with because they came around often enough for us to notice. I didn’t like either of them.
The first one always tried to act like my father whenever he visited. Suddenly, my mum would become extra attentive and start making us do more chores just so he would feel comfortable in the house. Meanwhile, as far as I knew, the man wasn’t paying rent or taking responsibility for us. After a while, he just stopped coming around.
The second man was better. By then, I was already in secondary school, and he genuinely helped me. In fact, he was instrumental in helping me secure admission into the university. But one day, he and my mum got into a serious argument that turned physical. Watching that happen really affected me.
So for a long time, marriage didn’t look appealing to me. I didn’t fantasise about weddings or husbands the way some girls did. What I knew for certain was that I never wanted a relationship where a man could boss me around or lay hands on me. Whether in marriage or dating, I wanted an equal say and the ability to defend myself if necessary.
My husband changed my mind about marriage
Maybe the biggest surprise is that marriage turned out not to be as terrible as I imagined.
I met my husband through a friend, but I didn’t give him a proper chance for almost a year. At the time, I just wasn’t emotionally available for a relationship. Plus, he wasn’t exactly the kind of man I had pictured for myself.
First of all, he wasn’t tall. I used to have this silly dream about marrying a very tall man because I wanted tall children who could play basketball. I love basketball, but my height has really deprived me of the opportunity. So height was genuinely important to me then.
The second thing was that he was too calm. That man barely spoke. Even when I was rude to him sometimes, he wouldn’t react. I knew I wanted a relationship where I could speak my mind freely, but I also didn’t want a partner who felt passive or overly soft.
Everything changed after we attended a party together. A man spoke to me rudely, and my husband completely lost it. It took another mutual friend stepping in before the situation escalated. That was the first time I saw another side of him.
After that, I realised he wasn’t weak or passive. He was simply calm and controlled. We started dating shortly after and got married two years later. Life has honestly been good. Even my mum constantly says she’s grateful that, despite everything she went through, her daughter still ended up in a good marriage.
Of course, it hasn’t been perfect. There have been difficult moments, too.
Childbirth made me question if I was truly ready for marriage
I think childbirth was the biggest thing that tested me. For some reason, I was deeply afraid of having children. I don’t know if there’s a proper term for that kind of fear, but mine was intense. Part of it came from losing a friend during childbirth.
I was at the hospital with her when it happened. One minute she was alive and speaking to me. They asked me to go get something quickly, and by the time I returned, they said she was gone. That experience traumatised me badly.
Anytime I thought about pregnancy afterwards, I would have panic attacks. So when my husband started talking seriously about children after marriage, I kept suggesting we wait a few more years. He didn’t really agree with me, and eventually it became a serious issue between us.
At one point, I even bought birth control pills without telling him. I never used them, but he found them in my wardrobe one day, and it caused a major argument. That period forced me to ask myself difficult questions. If I wasn’t ready for children, was I truly ready for marriage?
Eventually, I had to let go of the fight. Even throughout my pregnancy, there was a part of me that genuinely believed I might die. It was such a dark, mentally exhausting time. Thankfully, everything went well.
When I had my second child, the fear wasn’t as intense, but those thoughts still came occasionally.
Marriage made me realise intimacy doesn’t just maintain itself
One thing nobody really prepares women for is how complicated intimacy can become in marriage.
People always give vague advice like “satisfy your husband” or “take care of your home,” but nobody really talks honestly about sex itself. And interestingly, men rarely receive the same kind of pressure to learn how to satisfy their wives. There’s this assumption that men automatically know what they’re doing.
My husband is knowledgeable to an extent, but intimacy has honestly become one of the more difficult parts of our marriage.
At the beginning, he was eager and intentional. If I told him I liked something, he would try it immediately. But over time, that eagerness reduced. The issue isn’t that he refuses things. If I suggest something today, he’s usually open to it. The problem is initiative.
I want to feel desired. I want spontaneity. I want someone who takes the time to learn about me, surprises me and introduces new experiences without waiting for instructions every single time.
Now that we have children and busy schedules, sex sometimes feels like another responsibility on the list. We still have sex, but there are moments where it genuinely feels like we’re ticking a box instead of connecting emotionally.
And I can’t lie, motherhood changed me too. Before children, I had more mental space to explore intimacy and initiate things myself. But between raising kids, running my business, preparing meals and keeping the household functioning, I’m exhausted most of the time.
So these days, I don’t always want to be the one driving things sexually. Sometimes I just want to be babied completely. That’s why his slow nature frustrates me in so many areas, not just intimacy.
I married a man who processes emotions slowly
My husband is very slow to react to things emotionally. It doesn’t matter what the issue is; he processes everything on his own time. And honestly, sometimes it comes across as selfish.
If I’m having a bad day, I expect my partner to notice immediately. Even if he doesn’t have solutions, at least show concern. But my husband can watch me be visibly upset for hours before finally asking what’s wrong.
There was a time I travelled to Ekiti to see my sick mum. He dropped me at the park and didn’t call until much later, when I was already settled. Meanwhile, my mum — the sick person — was calling every hour to check if I was safe. I was furious by the time he eventually called.
Another thing is that when I bring emotional concerns to him, he almost always says he needs time to process. And to be fair, this isn’t new behaviour. He’s always been like this. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve also become more emotionally needy.
Maybe it’s motherhood. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe adulthood just changes people. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I now need emotional responsiveness much more than I used to, and sometimes my husband simply doesn’t move at the pace I need.
We’ve fought about this many times. Still, one thing I’ll give him is this: when he finally shows up emotionally, he shows up properly. Sometimes I even find myself wondering if it’s the same man who was detached hours earlier.
So I’m learning patience. I’m learning that not everybody expresses care urgently or loudly.
Marriage has made me softer and more patient
Marriage has definitely changed me. I’ve become far more patient than I used to be. Honestly, with a husband like mine, you either learn patience or spend your entire marriage fighting.
That patience mostly applies inside my home, though. Outside, I still know how to stand my ground because people can easily take advantage of someone who is too slow or too soft.
I’ve also changed sexually and emotionally since becoming a mother. Sometimes I miss the version of myself that had the time and energy to be mischievous and adventurous with intimacy. Back then, I could spend hours thinking about romance or trying new things with my partner.
Now, my brain is constantly occupied with children, school runs, food, work and responsibilities. So even though I still crave intimacy, I also want to feel pursued and cared for without always spelling it out.
If I could advise my younger self, I honestly wouldn’t tell her to leave this marriage. Five years is enough to know that no marriage is perfect and no partner comes without flaws.
I think marriage is about understanding your threshold. Know what you can tolerate, what you cannot tolerate and what kind of life genuinely works for you.
And once you reach a point where your marriage consistently destroys your peace or sense of self, then it’s okay to choose yourself and walk away.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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