When Joke* (32) got married four years ago, she never imagined she’d spend most of it raising children alone in Nigeria while her husband lived abroad.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about almost considering divorce after getting pregnant alone in Nigeria, navigating postpartum depression without her husband physically present and why she sometimes feels like a single mother in a loving marriage.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
I didn’t even like the idea of marriage as a child
I had very mixed feelings about marriage growing up.
I remember one Christmas when I was still in junior secondary school. Some cousins and family friends were spending the holiday at our house, and we were all playing games in the living room. During the game, someone jokingly mentioned me getting married in the future, and I immediately rejected it “in Jesus’ name”.
Unknown to me, my mum was somewhere nearby listening to us. The moment she heard me, she immediately started praying against it. She was saying things like, “God forbid you won’t have your own home and marriage.”
Looking back now, it’s funny, but that reaction really captured how I felt about marriage at the time. It simply didn’t appeal to me. I honestly can’t even explain why. It wasn’t because I grew up around terrible marriages or anything like that. I think I just didn’t fully understand what marriage meant then, so I rejected the idea naturally.
Things started changing when I got older and began having crushes. That was when romance entered the picture for me. Suddenly, marriage started looking exciting, like the relationships I was reading about in novels or watching in films.
I imagined this beautiful life where it was just my husband and me always together, always in love and constantly doing life side by side.
I married the only man I ever dated and became embarrassingly clingy
One of the biggest surprises in my life wasn’t even marriage itself. It was discovering the type of partner I became once I fell in love.
My husband is the only man I’ve ever dated, and from very early in the relationship, I realised I was extremely clingy, like embarrassingly clingy.
I always wanted to be around him. At some point in university, I practically moved into his hostel and abandoned the self-contained hostel my parents were paying for. Whenever we were together, I always wanted physical closeness. Holding hands. Leaning on him. Resting my head on his shoulder. Just always touching him somehow.
Even when we fought, it affected me physically. I used to feel genuinely sick whenever we weren’t on good terms. Then, the moment we reconciled and I was back around him, it felt like my body reset itself.
That closeness continued after marriage, too. Everybody around us knew we were always together. If you saw him somewhere, chances were high that I was nearby too.
Which is why people still struggle to believe that I’ve survived this long-distance marriage for almost three years now.
I almost considered divorce after finding out I was pregnant
The biggest test in my marriage began about a year after we married, when my husband relocated abroad.
It wasn’t a random decision. We both knew relocation was part of his long-term plans even while we were dating. Initially, we intended to move together, but financial and logistical constraints made that impossible. So we agreed he would travel first while we sorted out mine afterwards.
That period was one of the hardest emotional experiences of my life.
I cried constantly before he travelled. Everybody kept reassuring me that it was temporary and that I would join him soon, but none of it really comforted me. Then, just as I was beginning to adjust to his absence, I found out I was pregnant. Honestly, I almost lost my mind.
I couldn’t imagine going through pregnancy alone while my husband lived in another country. I started having terrible, intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, I would think about ending the pregnancy and starting over with my life here in Nigeria. Other times, I would convince myself my husband would eventually abandon me abroad while I remained stuck here alone with a child.
Looking back now, I realise how emotionally unstable I was during that period. But throughout everything, my husband remained incredibly reassuring. My in-laws were also amazing. His family genuinely stepped in and supported me emotionally in ways I’ll never forget.
Then later, I discovered I wasn’t just pregnant. I was carrying twins. That news almost finished me completely.
The Naira Life Conference is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria. Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together. Secure your spot here.
Nobody prepares you for the loneliness of long-distance marriage
One thing nobody warned me about was how emotionally difficult long-distance marriage could become.
And honestly, who exactly would have warned me? Most of the marriages around me involved couples physically living together. My parents lived together. My husband’s parents, too. Even extended family members weren’t doing this type of arrangement.
But Nigeria happened, and suddenly we found ourselves building a marriage over phone calls, video calls, and prayers. It’s been almost three years, and my husband still hasn’t met our children in person.
When I gave birth, the house was full. Both families came around. My husband himself was constantly calling and checking on me. But honestly, none of that replaces physical presence.
There were moments when I became deeply depressed, even though people were physically around me. I think what hurt most was the fact that the one person I truly wanted beside me wasn’t there. Some of the painful moments have honestly faded from my memory now, maybe because I subconsciously suppressed them just to survive.
But it was very hard.
Sometimes we’re not even fighting. We just miss each other
One thing my husband and I agreed on very early was that we couldn’t allow unnecessary conflict to destroy our marriage. Distance was already difficult enough. Adding constant fights on top of it would only make things worse.
Of course, saying that is easier than actually doing it. There are times I snap at him for no real reason. Sometimes, I don’t pick up his calls, or I just don’t have the emotional energy to talk properly. Other times, he’s overwhelmed with work, school, and trying to survive abroad, so our conversations start to feel forced.
During moments like that, tensions can rise quickly, and we both end up saying things we don’t really mean. But most times, the real issue isn’t even the argument itself; we just miss each other terribly.
Sometimes, it’s even sexual frustration affecting both of us emotionally. I’m personally not a fan of toys or trying to maintain intimacy through phone activities. Not because I’m pretending to be overly moral, but because those things don’t really do much for me emotionally. I want physical closeness. I want my husband physically beside me.
So whenever we start getting irritated with each other, we usually remember that we’re both already suffering enough from the distance itself. At that point, it becomes easier to choose understanding over unnecessary fights.
Marriage forced me to become independent
I think marriage has changed me in many ways.
For one, I’m no longer as clingy as I used to be. Sometimes, I wonder if stress and motherhood simply replaced that version of me. Or maybe I just adapted because I no longer had anybody physically present to cling to.
Ironically, even the twins aren’t clingy children anymore. They’re constantly running around, scattering the house and trying to escape from me. Maybe when my husband and I finally reunite, that soft, clingy side of me will return.
But beyond that, marriage has also forced me to become extremely independent. Our families have been wonderful and supportive, but the truth is that everybody still has their own lives to live. Eventually, I had to develop systems that helped me survive daily life with the children mostly on my own.
Now, I handle things that would have once overwhelmed me completely. Sometimes, my husband will still be stressing on the phone trying to organise help for something, only for me to casually mention later that I’ve already handled it myself.
Still, I always remind him that becoming independent doesn’t mean I’m superhuman. Once we finally reunite, I fully expect to be babied properly. I’ve earned it.
Staying in the marriage was the hardest compromise I’ve made
I think the most difficult compromise I’ve made was choosing to remain in this marriage and raise our children mostly alone instead of walking away when things became emotionally overwhelming.
When I first discovered I was pregnant, I kept it secret for about a week because my mind was in such a dark place emotionally. Then, later, finding out I was having twins made things even more intense. I spent so much time praying because I genuinely couldn’t process the idea of parenting two children alone while my husband was in another country.
But somehow, with support, prayers and intentional effort from both of us, we’ve survived it.
And honestly, my husband has done everything possible to make this journey easier for me despite the distance. I’ve never lacked financially since he left. Before I even mention a problem, he’s already trying to solve it from abroad.
Even while raising the twins, we still parent together through calls and video chats. The children know their father well, even if they haven’t physically touched him in years.
Through all this, he has remained a good husband. Which is why, despite how difficult this journey has been, I don’t regret staying.
I just miss my husband deeply.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
